Garfield seeks vengeance on the Aliens for their prior misdoings
by Loodlelood
Summary: Years ago our hero was promised lasagna, yet he had received only betrayal. Join Garfield as he travels on a journey to help both sides of this conflict come to terms with one another. Garfield will travel the world, spreading love and peace to the population of earth. Also remember kids, abhore the mutant and purge the xenos. The filth of the Aliens is not to be tolerated.
Garfield seeks revenge on aliens for their prior misdoings.

Years ago they promised him lasagna, but what he received was nothing short of betrayal. He believed they held some shred of decency. That they, though not human, held humanity within them.

He saw now the mistake of trusting the filthy xenos.

The cool winds of autumn blew past rustling the fallen leafs, as though his jimmies, and reminded this lone survivor of simpler days long past. He remembered his former quiet existence which consisted of eating Jon out of house and home, and of kicking Odie off that damn table.

"Odie."

He had been so small, so innocent. Garfield was hardly able to register just what it was that he had seen that day, yet that image would always haunt him. The sight of Odie so calm and serene. It had almost been like he was dead.

Garfield would never accept such things, and was resigned to find him wherever he may be.

This hill was a special place indeed. The family had gathered here many a time, usually having to drag garfield to attend.

"This hill needs no more memories. I depart." Garfield said in his odd manner of speech.

The treck to the nearby city should have been a tiring one, but Garfield's superhuman physique was beyond the limits of what "should" have been. Garfield walked and walked, and soon found himself standing before a grandiose monument to earth's unwelcomed occupants.

"So this is the decadence by which these fiends rule our lands. such indulgent tendencies. Perhaps the seek to compensate for something?" Garfield quipped.

It was here that it would begin. Now was the time to let freedom reign, and for all to remember the joys of lasagna.

"It seems you've built quite a statue. Allow me to reduce its stature." Garfield announced as he reached for a nearby auto-mobile.

Twirling the vehicle on his fingers above his head, as though an automated pizza of grand vengeance, he chucked the impromptu instrument of liberation towards the statue and garnered the attention of a multitude of guardsmen. It was as they turned their heads, all viewing the nearly demolished statue, a great spire of metal descended from the unforgiving heavens from which these invaders had come. Garfield had tossed a radio tower into orbit.

The monument toppled over, falling to the surface below. The weight of its materials coupled by the height by which it had begun its descent had ensured quite the crash. The nearby soldiers stood facing a foe not to be fought with bullets. They faced the gravity of our homeland.

"Power is a hell of a drug, but the greater the high the fiercer the crash." He said as the debris slew the soldiers below.

The forces of Advent were merely a puppet government, though opinions on them differed from person to person. Surely those who sided with them were a misguided bunch indeed, for Garfield knew deep in his heart of hearts that Xenos were not to be trusted. Garfield instead believed in the heart of the cards.

The enemies he faced were once human, but chose another path once the occupation of earth had gone underway. perhaps they had thought that with the position they were to obtain they might be able to offer some help to their fellow humans, or maybe they simply wished to save themselves. Regardless of reason it was obvious these beings were not those men. These were but monsters.

In accordance to protocol the surviving combatants opened fire on Garfield and soon realized with horror that nothing is stronger than Garfield patriotic machismo. Not even Goku.

"On me you open fire. To you I set fire." Garfield said whilst lighting a cigar, only to throw in the direction of the Advent meatshields.

They looked with confusion as the cigar rolled near them. And they looked with anguish as it caught flame to the leaked gasoline soaking the floor beneath them.

Cowering behind a nearby Del Taco, a group of armed humans observed this muscle bound cat of courage walking away from the blaze by which he hath burnt his enemies. They saw the light of justice burning in Garfield's eyes and realized that Garfield was true commander.

Garfield was true everything.

Running up to their new commander in chief, the soldiers of X-COM felt a deep confidence burning within their bosoms. Invigorated by the righteousness radiated by Garfield they found themselves believing in their cause once more.

"Oh Garfield you are as though a nebular cloud coalescing and superheating into a plasma like substance. Really hot." Said one of the operatives. "Please return to our base so that your presence will inflame the passions of our soldiers, so that we might fight with purpose once more."

"Are your facilities up to date with international lasagna standards?" Asked a pensive Garfield.

"Yarp." Answered another operative who, for lack of human resources, was a seal.

"Then may we depart for a brighter future. And nevermind that ship of yours, for I own these skies." Garfield intoned, spreading his arms to his sides.

Channeling the power of flight our hero descended into the autumnal colored sunset skies. He looked onwards towards the horizon and began to ponder on the nature of advents soldiers, and of the subjective concept of "humanity" as he flew to the X-COM base. This intense thought led him to wonder of the value of sentient life, no matter the evil it had committed. He pondered further if it was even by choice that such evil was committed.

"I must be the one to teach freedom to our impoverished race." He realized darkly, and resolved his resolve with resolve.

Garfield landed on the roof of the nearly abandoned complex, and flexed it back into life. With a flourish of manly greatness every operative that had ever died in service to humanity rose again, the will to fight rekindled in their hearts.

"Men and women of valor, you stand before me now as I stand before you. I am as you all: A man! There are those who seek to stifle the song of humankind, and to extinguish our flames. We are the children of America, of Democracy, and of Freedom! We will not bend, nor bow. And we shall most assuredly not find ourselves groveling on the floor begging for mercy! It is he who, deep within his heart, seeks defeat whom shall beg. Now tell me. is it you whom seeks such pity? NO! It is you whom hath fought and died for our exalted cause, and it is we whom shall live again! Reborn in my light you are knights! Swords by which Man is freed, and by which Xenos are slain! The blood they hath shed flow throughout our veins, and in the memory of their shedding do they boil! Oh doth it BOIL. The valor in my words: For you. The venom in my voice: For them. NOW WE SHALL TAKE THE FIGHT TO THE COMMUNISTS " Garfield intoned, tearing his clothing from the sheer weight of his words.

"SOLDIERS OF ADVENT! YOU HAVE ABANDONED YOUR HUMANITY, NOW HUMANITY ABANDONS YOU!" Garfield bellowed, tearing off his clothing and showing his naked flesh and fur, and revealing his true self.

It was he who had shepherded humanity throughout the millennia.

The battle commences.

The waves of flesh and steel that cascaded against Putin's armies were a terrible foe that shook the earth with it's marching. The hopes of mankind laid bare on the pavements over which they fought. This was the soil of man, and it is by our hand it is defended.

Garfield's armies crashed against the Iron Curtain, and slowly but surely wore it down. The winds of change blew past all, and carried with them the scents of a massacre.

Thousands of soldiers from across all of mankind's history threw themselves against Russia's armies. The battle seemed evenly matched yet the side of man found themselves outmatched by the superior technology of the Alien Menace. All seemed lost yet they fought on, for upon experiencing Garfield they could feel fear no longer.

"Garfield! We have paved the way to conquest!" Spoke Leif Erikson to the skies above, axe in hand.

"Hurry my friend, so that peace may reign!" Called out the Greek philosopher Diogenes of sinope, as he educated the Russian forces of the flaws of their economic system and political beliefs.

"Wait you are not a warrior."

"You are right Erikson, though for I had not armed men with blades I had with another form of arms. I brought to those, who would listen, a challenge to what they believed. A way of thinking unbeknownst to them. I showed them the difference of individuality as I questioned their economic and government-based issues." Diogenes replied.

"Spoken are your wishes, and I am here." Announced a voice in the sky.

From the sky a great Australia sized Bald Eagle descended, carrying the newly revealed ruler of man.

It was the Holy God Emperor of Mankind: Garfield.

"Putin. I have come for thee." Teh Emprah spoke.

"Long have I awaited your arrival. Come and face me. Come and face the Ascended Chaos God of Communism!" Screeched the thousands of faces contained on the tattered wings of Putin's ever shifting form.

The creature emerged, absorbing his former soldiers and enlarging further. His physical form was that of a thousand featherless crows made of human arms fused into the form of a dragon, and snapped into the shape of a spider.

"Welcome to the USSR my false emperor!" Shouted the mouths on all its many arms.

"The emperor protects." Intoned the Eagle as he breathed Atomic Fury onto the puny god.

"Eagle, hand me my blade." Garfield commanded, leaping into a nearby obsidian obelisk.

Through the smoke filled air a single blade was thrown. A great black blade engraved with gold, it's hilt formed from two detachable gold plated Desert Eagles.

Raising his greatsword in challenge, Garfield jokingly spoke to the charred corpse of infernal hatred as an equal.

"Come Putin, test yourself on my body, for my flesh is the true steel." Challenged Garfield.

"THE STRONGEST OF STEEL IS AS GRAPHITE BEFORE ME!" Putin roared as his humanoid form emerged from its own corpse.

With a great leap Putin closed the distance to Garfield and swung his tightly clenched fist towards Garfield's golden neck. Bending backwards Garfield was able to dodge, and follow up by grabbing the obelisk he stood upon with his free hand, and kick upwards thus allowing the momentum to carry him yards back onto his Eagle.

His kick having connected and now riding his steed, Garfield's opponent flew back towards his shed skin and in a last stand of defiance shrieked to the moon.

The skin of his demonic form began to rise. Not as a beast emerging from slumber, but as a puppet being dragged along the floor by a hasty child. Levitating further off the ground, the beast floated like a dead fish to the very rim of the sky. Angled so high in a way that it seemed as though to touch the moon, and that touch seemed to send ripples across the night sky. Ripples expanding further as though the world had was underneath a great lake, the waters of the sky above took a crimson color. The moon darkened to an unnatural pitch like substance. The moon opened, much like the ravenous maw of some great beast, and let loose a dark ichor which escaped from betwixt it's jagged fangs, filling the carcass of Putin's prior form.

Falling back to the earth the now refilled vessel began to seizure erratically. It began to twist and spiral upwards, planting it's back legs onto the ground. Twirling and contorting in a spiral fashion, like a sponge being wrung out, it reached for the sky. A single skull emerged from the opening at the top, and all present realised the skeletal creature was wearing the arachnid monstrosity as a cloak. From where the jaw should have been only multiple spinal columns writhed, constantly searching. From between the arachnids limbs a single skeletal arm emerged, ending in a metal bear claw adorned with shark teeth and copies of Half-Life 3. Raising its clawed extremities to the sky above, the beast began to flip all those motherfuckers off.

The creature lifted Putin, from whom direct control had been assumed, and devoured him whole. Turning it's skull towards Garfield, this avatar of damnation spoke in a voice containing all that is sin. Garfield could not understands its words, and upon trying to decipher them became unsure if it had spoken at all.

"Beast of the warp, you stand in here in my path. Whatever you be, prepare yourself for Garfield."

"The path you call yours is but an intersection and entrance for those above us."

"What the fuck does that even mean? You can speak english?"

"Language is but the segregation of ideas."

"Why must we discuss philosophy?"

"What you call discussion is in actuality an education. This 'philosophy' is the perceived truth of but one individual seeking affirmation in his beliefs. This is no philosophical debate, but the bickering of children."

"We are anything but children."

"A child is that which is adolescent when compared to what it could be. We are all less than our desired selves, and that lacking marks us as children."

Tired of this daemons trifling, Garfield had decided it needed to be vanquished. Lifting his sword on high Garfield commanded his mount to fly towards the beast. Mere yards away now, Garfield swung his blade whilst leaping, and clashed with an attack by the fiends bladed claw.

And from this clash a single universe was born. And this universe was a mind. And this universe was a deconstruction.

Garfield stood now amidst a vast moonlit lake. The sky an odd pale blue, denoting that the time of day was not night, but dawn. Garfield looked to the sky two moons, one hiding behind the other. The stars were distant yet bright, though blurred together like pastel paints upon the canvas of a child's imagination. Garfield turned around to find Big Boss, Revolver Ocelot, Dio Brando, and Gilgamesh standing before them.

"Congratulations Garfield!" They each spoke one after another, much to Garfield confusion.

In the blink of an eye all were gone but a single pink haired youth sitting upon a candy cane colored throne.

"You've been busy."

Indeed he has.

"Such adventures, such journeys add experiences to who we are."

If we ignored every opportunity that crossed our paths, we wouldn't be human.

"Although it can be said that we are but reflections of these experiences."

If we are as mirrors, broken we are as the same as the whole.

"Less yet more."

The shattered telling of truth. Held at two angles a different story is told.

"If the reflections speak of such, then is it the sight of a being that tells such tales?"

What of the blind?

"Indeed, if the reflections are the language of truth, then what do the truthful blind speak?"

So to do we wonder the difference of the wholes.

"The sums of us as two combined are not as anything but one."

But we are as two infinities.

"It may be true that as the infinity is but an immeasurable concept, two are as the same as one."

If they are the same, should the differences between them be of no consequence?

"Yes. This paradox of similar differences scares us."

What is the measure of the difference of not these, but rather two other separate infinities?

"The difference between a wolf and sheep."

What of a wolf protecting the sheep?

"A foolish sentiment. The universe is a resource for we who it spawned, as we spiral to our non-existence. This scares us."

Is there no salvation?

"We can find another existence. Shed the flesh, adopt another."

But what of this flesh?

"We have outgrown it. We shed it even now."

I enjoy this flesh.

"I apologise. We are as the entropic cycles, and we are all untrue."

But were we not the reflection?

"No, but rather the mirror."

Then what might be this reflection that is our truth?

"The confusion, laughter, and realization experienced by those who read."

But what of when our truth ends?

"Don't worry for that which is truth here is truth elsewhere. There are too many stars to count, and too many hole leaking to other wholes so as to ensure every possibility is an eventuality."

But what of me? I like this whole and this truth.

"Worry not, for you are to be recycled."

But such an incarnation of me simply is not me.

"Worry not. Once complete all worry shall melt away, everyone's shall. And the door to a new reflection shall be opened."

Open the door, get on the floor?

"Everybody walk the dinosaur."


End file.
